Develop a new habit: use structures and scripts

Requests are rarely the problem. How we respond to them, often in the moment and under pressure, is.

This resource offers practical structures and ready-to-use language to help you respond to requests with clarity and confidence, without relying on willpower in the heat of the moment or damaging important relationships.

As an established researcher, you can probably predict the types of requests you encounter, even if you can’t predict when they will arise or who they will come from. When caught off guard, it’s easy to default to saying yes.

Do you recognise the pattern of agreeing quickly, then later feeling regret, pressure, or guilt?

Saying no can feel awkward, and many of us were never taught how to do it well. That’s no reason not to learn. It’s a skill like any other, and one that can be developed deliberately.

One way to do this is to use structures and scripts as stabilisers while you’re learning, like support wheels on a bike or a trellis that helps a young plant grow upright until it can stand on its own.

Structures are boundaries, rules, processes, or behaviours designed to keep you on track, reduce urgency, and take emotion out of decision-making. They work because they either prevent the request in the first place or remove the need to decide afresh every time.

Examples include:

Default delay
Never say yes immediately to a request. Build in a pause by asking for further clarification or saying you’ll come back once you’ve had time to consider it.

Time-boxed activity
Decide in advance how much time or how many “slots” you have for certain types of work (e.g. one leadership role per term, or no new commitments mid-semester).

Priority filters
Use a simple decision filter for all requests, such as:

Does this align with my current priorities or role?
Does it require my specific expertise?
What would this displace?

Rituals
Build a short pre-meeting routine in which you review your current timelines, priorities, and commitments. This gives you concrete evidence of how your time is already allocated and how much capacity you genuinely have. When requests or invitations come up in the meeting, you can respond with specificity rather than a vague “I’m too busy.” For example: “Activity X currently takes around [x hours/days] per month, and Activity Y takes [y]. Based on that, I estimate I have around [z hours/days] available at the moment.”

This shifts the conversation from emotion or defensiveness to clear, reasoned judgement, and makes your response easier for others to understand and respect.

Delegation pathways
Create clear routes for redirecting different categories of requests, for example to a colleague or postdoc so everything doesn’t default to you.

Protected planning time
Put meetings with yourself in your diary for planning, thinking, or contingency time so that space doesn’t get filled reactively.

Scripts are phrases or explanations you rehearse in advance so you can use them even when emotions are running high and the urge to say yes is strong. They help you stay clear, calm, and in control.

Examples include:

“Before I say yes or no, I want to be sure I understand the nature of your request. I’ll come back to you tomorrow with a few clarification questions.”
“Before I commit, I need to check my existing commitments for the next few months as I want to be sure I can offer you the time/quality you need.”
“At the moment I’m focusing on [activity X and activity Y]. For the next [time period], I can only say yes to work that aligns with these priorities. Could this wait, or might there be someone else who’s available sooner?”
“I can help, and here’s when I can help and the level of time or quality I can realistically offer.”
“Can I come back to you tomorrow once I’ve thought it through? I want to be sure I have the capacity, or that I’m the right person and that I wont let you down in the long run.”
“Yes, if…” Instead of a flat no, be ready with conditional yeses that give you more control or help align the work with your goals. E.g. “I’m happy to say yes if my postdoc can take the lead with my oversight”, or “Yes if you’re happy that I don’t attend the in-person meetings”. Or “Yes if we can also include this theme/topic”.

A short planning activity

Write a list of activities or responsibilities that you’ve taken on in the past and then regretted.

Next, note where these requests typically came from (specific people, meetings, roles, or projects).

At a calm, rational moment (not in the heat of a request), take each example in turn and design either a script or a structure that would help you manage it differently next time. Rehearse the scripts or put the structures in place so they’re ready when you need them.

Are you finding this difficult? Ask a mentor for help, or use an “internal board of directors” to explore alternative ways of saying yes or no, or of explaining your reasoning with confidence. Here’s a 5 min video explaining the value and encouraging you to establish your own personal board of directors.

What will you take forward?

One thing to try: For one type of request that consistently catches you off guard, what script or structure will support you to stay in control next time?

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